2023—The Haven
From: Shelley
Sent: January 2, 2023 10:59 AM
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: Urgent Friendship Appeal
[ENTER KIND AND DEAR FRIEND'S NAME HERE] Mia,
I have three questions for you:
1. Do you like to laugh?
2. Does the idea of a cow and/or a dentist fighting conformity in the 1880s intrigue you?
3. Have you enjoyed my company and dazzling personality for at least 21% of the time you have known me?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are required by the Laws of Friendship and Acquaintancery to vote for my short film, which is competing for a $10,000 grant (www.madcowdentist.com).
Once you have done that you can resume reading this message – ah ah – I said after.
OK, done? THANK YOU. I am sending you 1,000 rainbow explosion cookie dough hugs. Perhaps your affection for me will compel you to share the voting link and have others vote for me. I'm not trying to push you into doing anything. You do you. That is, once you're done voting for my dreams to come true several more times this week. K bye, talk to you tomorrow!
***
From: Shelley
Sent: January 3, 2023 8:51 AM
Hey, it's me again.
Have I ever told you that I love you? I do. Like a dog loves cheese. Or, sure, like a person loves cheese. Use whatever comparison paints the most compelling image to you. You can even choose the type of cheese - cheddar, stinking bishop - that's up to you.
You know what else is up to you? My chances of making the short film I wrote. Yes, my future lies in your beautiful, luscious hands. You can make my story become a moving picture rather than simply moving words on a page.
Click here.
Did you do it? Yeah you did!
I'm gonna wrap this up because I value your time. Yeah, I said it, I care about you. So I'm ending this. For today at least.
Tootles!
***
From: Shelley
Sent: January 4, 2023 5:22 AM
Mia,
You are a hero.
I want you to really hear that. You are a hero. You shower heroism down on the world until everything is anointed with your golden hero aura. Every time I listen to Enrique Iglesias's "Hero" (which is every day around 9:45 a.m.), your head floats into my mind box.
And this is why: because you believe in me, and you prove it to me every day by voting for my short film to get made: www.madcowdentist.com.
You are like the wind beneath my wings. Not that lame wind Bette Midler natters on about, more like the hardcore jet streams that propel migrating bar-headed geese over the Himalayas, sending them as high as 24,000 feet. That's how heroic you are, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
I have more nice things to say to you, but I'll wait until tomorrow to tell you. I don't want you to get a big head about being one of the greatest people to ever live.
Shelley
***
From: Shelley
Sent: January 5, 2023 12:01 AM
Dearest Mia,
This week has been wild!! So many buttons have been clicked. My heart has swelled with adoration and anxiety (the doctor said it was an 80:20 adoration to anxiety ratio) because of your support and my fervent desire to make the lil' film I wrote. And let's be honest, I know you have a thing for clicking buttons (seriously, I think you should consider seeking professional help), so really I'm doing you a favor by asking you to click here and vote: www.madcowdentist.com.
Thanks! I mean, you're welcome.
And now I must ask the unthinkable of you. Will you send this to at least one friend, acquaintance or gang brother/sister and pressure them to vote as well? Here's a suggested message:
Click here and vote for this film to be made. Otherwise, I will lose my third toe.
I'm not going to take your third toe, but they don't know that, and I'm sure they would do something as simple as vote for a movie in order to save your fifth-important toe.
Love and other drugs,
Shelley
***
From: Shelley
Sent: January 6, 2023 2:11 AM
Sweet sweet Mia,
Voting to make my short film has reached its glorious end. The ballot boxes will be sealed at noon today. If you'd like to give one more time to this important cause, you know the drill: www.madcowdentist.com.
But please, let's end this madness. You have shown true greatness this week. Like a superhero. Nay, better than a superhero. Like a person. A kind, decent one. I want to thank you from the bottom of my ventricles.
Know that I will do same for you should you ever need help realizing your dreams. A round of quid pro quo's for everyone!
Thank you again. Your support means a lot. We find out in 10 days, and I have a pretty good feeling about all this.
***
From: Shelley
Sent: January 16, 2023 8:16 PM
Hey.
So, it didn't happen. We didn't get enough votes and we can't make the movie.
I know we said we were in this together and all that, but really, this was all about me and I'm the one feeling the brunt of this. I mean thanks for your support, or whatever, seeing as I know you not only read my emails but voted every day. Because I know I can count on you.
I fucking knew it! Did you vote even once? You didn't, did you? Come on! You couldn't stop playing Cupcake Snack Attack for one whole minute?
I knew I shouldn't have picked you as one of my 15 most trusted individuals who would drop everything to help me in my time of need. I'm really glad this wasn't more serious - like I needed 15 people to wire money to a drug lord so he wouldn't smash my head in with a hammer. And no, before you ask, I'm not back on drugs! Although maybe now I'll have to because my movie isn't going to get made since you didn't vote, and I'lI have to lead a life of crime to pay for food because my dream will never, ever be realized. I know I don't have to use the drugs I sell, but it's a slippery fucking slope, man.
I gave you a lot of deeply earnest compliments – not one of them was hyperbolic. Little did I know the extent of the lies I fabricated about you. I tried really hard to be witty and clever and kind. They're like my best emails. And you just deleted them. That hurts me in like a seriously creative way.
I hope our relationship can get past this. But you really fucked this up, Mom. I don't know how you're going to make it up to me. I am a little cash poor right now though.
Think it over. I've got 14 other emails to write.
With warranted hostility,
Shelley Stein-Wotten
Published on The Haven, Jan. 10, 2023
Photo by jeshoots.com via Unsplash
