2019—JÓN Magazine
Feel the thrill, feel the amusement. Eco-tainment is here for your enjoyment.
It’s 6 o’clock and we’re tracking a major development: climate change is real and we’ve discovered we can profit off its existence.
Reports are coming in that we’ve milked the teat of our previous go-to story dry. You know the one - ‘97 percent of scientists believe climate change is caused by humans, but what about the other three percent?’ We’ve talked to those skeptics and a panel of suspect directors of vaguely named institutes ad nauseam. But what’s making us nauseous now? The churning and cresting rivers causing unprecedented flooding and contaminating the drinking water of thousands? We’ve sent five junior reporters to talk to the crying, thirsty people. We’re also hearing that the birthplace of agriculture could use a little drink. Experts say Mesopotamia is suffering from years of drought. Farmers have grown grain there for centuries, but not anymore. The eco-pocalypse is upon us and we’re covering every minute of it, so relax, and stay locked to our Twitter feed. Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be back with more top stories.
Now is the time to visit the gems of the Arctic! The permafrost is melting and soon those beautiful glaciers you can see from your cruise ship will be gone, gone, gone. ‘Ain’t nothing glacial about their disappearance, folks. Don’t delay, this not-gonna-last-your-lifetime package won’t be here much longer. Book now and you can spend two nights in a cabin surrounded by alpine meadow that next year will be burnt toast. You’re on vacation, so sit back and let us eco-tain you.
Hey, have you tasted the dwindling supplies of the fragrant Madagascar vanilla? The world’s best hand-churned gelato is flecked with the orchid bean that happens to be under constant threat of theft due to its high value. Don’t worry, we plucked the last ethically purchased one before the latest cyclone destroyed the whole crop.
Slurping up sugar has never been so eco-taining!
Coming up later on the show, are we killing the forest by eating farmed salmon? We’ll tell you what you need to know next (and has already been known for a decade). You’re listening to the most trusted source in eco-tainment.
Look, we all know plastic is choking the oceans. That’s why you should spend $300 on reusable straws. They say things like ‘sippin’ my cares away’ on them. So now you can have a utensil that not only makes you giggle but also makes you reflect on the interdependency of all life and the paradigm shift that humanity must undertake if we are to survive as a species. And with Amazon Prime, they’ll get to you super fast because saving the planet cannot wait more than two days.
A powerful sense of urgency may be whisking you into a tornado of purpose, but wait, until after the break.
Published in JÓN Magazine, issue 25.
Image by ThisisEngineering RAEng via Unsplash
